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You'll find the majority of my monologues below are comedic monologues for women or men, although there are a few dramatic monologues as well. I try to keep all my monologues to typical audition length, so you can perform the short monologues in about 1 minute or less and the slightly longer monologues in about 2 minutes or less.

Speaking to a boy Hello, hi … hello. An un-chatty Cathy. To you in particular.

Quotes About Happiness and Success

Did you even know my name was Cathy? That I sit behind you in homeroom? Oh God. Could you … excuse us, Patsy? As a bluebird, I had to sell mint thins door to door.

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When my older brother heard, he started laughing. How would you like to purchase some mint thins to benefit the Campfire Girls of America?

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My legs would shake. But I had my words. I sold every box. And that I think you smell like old socks. Holds up a large index card. Want to use the Un-Chatty Cathy monologue for an audition or a school assignment? Oh Toto, what were we thinking coming back here to Kansas?

Sure, the first few days back were great. Auntie Em and Uncle Henry by my side, bringing me soup, all hugs and kisses and warmth. They were just so glad I was ok. No Auntie Em loves me, she would never do that. What was that noise? You wonder how scarecrow is getting on with his diploma? Has he gone on to graduate studies? Or the Tin Man with his heart.

Has he fallen in love? The Lion with his badge of courage.

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Has he fought any great battle? If only we could write them? No, the only way to see them again is to travel far off, over the rainbow, way up high once again. To the land that everyone says we dreamed of! You do understand me!

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Where everything is in color and even the flying monkeys have a song in their hearts. It's the perfect plan, right? My grown daughter has sent me here with this voucher to get my tattoo removed. What is it about such a song? Its power to plumb the depths of our primal feeling. To call vivid flashes of sense and memory, to color our thought, alter the rhythm of breath, the beating of a heart? A song can transform the world.

It can set us free and bring down the walls that divide us. Before it reached 1 here on our charts, I heard it and I could not unhear it. It haunted me, possessing my voice in the shower. And she gives me that look that she gives me. But then she begins to sing it too. I run out of the shower, throw a towel on, and I open the door still singing and my neighbor is horrified.

For my girlfriend and I, that feeling was hope. For the old man, it was probably hope. Everywhere you went in East Berlin, people were singing it.

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It played on the radio day and night. It became our anthem. And when the East German government announced that we would be allowed to freely cross the wall, I heard the news as if delivered to me by the baleful baritone of Hasselhoff himself. New years eve, I stand with my brethren at the crumbled wall, East and West together. And there he is.

Hasselhoff in a crane hoisted above the crowd. A god in the machine. My girlfriend and I grip hands tightly.

I feel strange about it, but more than anything just pure, powerful joy. We know the Americans laugh at him. They do not understand like we do this beautiful man, his perfect brown curling locks, his soulful melodic ways. But we do. We watch transfixed as he sings, moving about excitedly in his cool leather Jacket.

A jacket so awesome it has flashing lights on it. Twenty years later, I look back on that moment, and I do not feel ashamed that I adored this man. I do not apologize for the way he moved us all. My daughter and her American husband can laugh at it if they want. But I lived it. And, yes, I have the tattoo to prove it. I wear it on my breast right here.

I wear Hasselhoff with pride. That is why … I am ripping up this voucher. And I am leaving. I'm not the kind of guy who would electrocute another guy. I believe in the golden rule, and that guy didn't do anything to me. So why did I electrocute him Joe? I'm a good guy. I bring ice cream to kids. The add in the paper was so enticing; 4 dollars for an hour of my time.